An Open Letter to My Loudmouth Co-worker

Dear Jackass,

There is no point in ranting about Autumn. It, like your wife leaving you for someone thinner, less bald, and entirely less crotchety, is inevitable. Bitching at length about it doesn't do anyone any good. Summer has ended. Get over it. The thought of you in a Speedo alone is enough to bring a Nor'easter howling in,off the lake. Even God can't handle THAT shit.

I understand that you have to drain your pool. Life sucks. I know that without the constant ability to complain about its maintenance you are going to run out of conversational topics early. Maybe you could go down to the trampy part of town and pay a transvestite to stomp on your nuts for a five-spot. THEN at least your misery would be interesting to me. The pros and cons of a +1 pH in your inground means as much to me as nude pictures of Dabney Coleman. (Wow. Did I really just pull that image out of my head?)

I also get that now you will have to pay someone to rake your vast yard to get all the leaves up before they kill your prize-winning fescue. Wow. And here I was donating all my money to under-privileged, blind orphans needing liver transplants. (ie: hookers). I should have been shoveling cash at the Rich Assholes in Danger of Having to Work A Little Foundation. Whatever will you do? I mean besides pay that burn-out from the Landscaping company copious amounts of cash to do it for you? Maybe you need another martini?


Some of us LIKE the cool air in our nostrils in the morning, and the way the steam roils off the canal like thick, billowing curtains. Some of us like the way the sunlight takes on a thin and defeated quality, kissing the newly turning leaves with soft hints of amber and scarlet. Some of us like feeling the cold air on our faces when we wake up, subconsciously causing us to draw the heavy comforters to our chins as we hit the snooze one more time.

So shut the fuck up already. It's not like you are any happier any other time of year.

Love,
K-

ps: I still have all my hair and an active sex life.

19 comments

Grey Street Girl said...

Thinking of Dabney Coleman makes me thing of how Dolly Parton, Jane Fonda and Lily Tomlin chained him up in that movie 9-5. All kinds of wrong, that.

Kurt said...

I keep thinking of him with those big fake teeth that made made him talk all spitty. Can't think of the movie though. Yep...fake teeth and wang...the essential Dabney Coleman Experience.

Anonymous said...

He sounds like a PEACH!

*conciders life as a burn-out landscaper* ~IC

Jaimi said...

Yeah, seriously? Dabney Coleman? Naked? You ARE a freak.

Laurel said...

I'm on day 4 of a vicious head cold . . . second day home from work . . . watching too much mindless daytime TV just to keep myself horizontal and yet awake (head hurts too much to read and can't sleep at night if I sleep all day too) . . . I miss even my most annoying co-workers.

Kurt said...

@IC: You can't be a burn-out landscaper. We need you blogging.

Kurt said...

@Jaimi: In my defense, I wrote "Nude pictures of.." BEFORE I thought of Dabney Coleman. It doesn't make it any more right though, unfortunately.

Kurt said...

@Laurel: Get Well soon!

foxxx said...

I like the way the sunlight takes on a thin and defeated quality, kissing the newly turning leaves with soft hints of amber and scarlet.

And even if I didn't, I would now, because you said it so beautifully.

Kurt said...

@foxxx: That was the image that inspired the whole blog actually.

Periodically Consistent said...

If this were MS, I could leave an overused (not that that applies)photo of Dabny hanging from the ceiling - and that would be wit enough.

However - because I am enjoying the perfect running weather, smell of furnaces newly lit for the New England fall, and a new season of Survivor upon us - I'll opt out of wit - and go for, "What an asshat".

Char said...

so, can I pass you a pamprin or something? geez - simmer down

*snicker*

Jenny, the Bloggess said...

Where the hell do you find $5 transvestites? Here the transvestite hookers all charge more than the regular prostitutes.

I've said too much.

xo12 said...

It could be worse. You could be spending your day getting threatening phone calls from both your current squeeze's ex and your boss' ex. What can I say - I inspire all kinds of emotions in women. Okay, okay. Just the one emotion, really.

Kurt said...

@Periodically Consistent: "Asshat" is always wit. Ask anyone.

Kurt said...

@Char: If by "Pamprin" you mean "Oxycotin" and by "Pass" you mean "slip", then Yes.

Kurt said...

@Jenny: We're in a recession, and the market is flooded. Besides, we have a Tuesday special on nut-stomping.

Err..I mean...

Kurt said...

@xo12: But you inspire SO much of it. It's like you own a divining rod for hostility.

Just LD said...

Well it really IS a bummer that I have to close the pool. I mean, I was just floating in it on Sunday. and keeping the tan going for a few more weeks. I mean, I'm just not ready. Oh, wait, were you talking to ME?