Vox Nihilim

Dear Jackass,

There is no point in ranting about Autumn. It, like your wife leaving you for someone thinner, less bald, and entirely less crotchety, is inevitable. Bitching at length about it doesn't do anyone any good. Summer has ended. Get over it. The thought of you in a Speedo alone is enough to bring a Nor'easter howling in,off the lake. Even God can't handle THAT shit.

I understand that you have to drain your pool. Life sucks. I know that without the constant ability to complain about its maintenance you are going to run out of conversational topics early. Maybe you could go down to the trampy part of town and pay a transvestite to stomp on your nuts for a five-spot. THEN at least your misery would be interesting to me. The pros and cons of a +1 pH in your inground means as much to me as nude pictures of Dabney Coleman. (Wow. Did I really just pull that image out of my head?)

I also get that now you will have to pay someone to rake your vast yard to get all the leaves up before they kill your prize-winning fescue. Wow. And here I was donating all my money to under-privileged, blind orphans needing liver transplants. (ie: hookers). I should have been shoveling cash at the Rich Assholes in Danger of Having to Work A Little Foundation. Whatever will you do? I mean besides pay that burn-out from the Landscaping company copious amounts of cash to do it for you? Maybe you need another martini?


Some of us LIKE the cool air in our nostrils in the morning, and the way the steam roils off the canal like thick, billowing curtains. Some of us like the way the sunlight takes on a thin and defeated quality, kissing the newly turning leaves with soft hints of amber and scarlet. Some of us like feeling the cold air on our faces when we wake up, subconsciously causing us to draw the heavy comforters to our chins as we hit the snooze one more time.

So shut the fuck up already. It's not like you are any happier any other time of year.

Love,
K-

ps: I still have all my hair and an active sex life.