Retread

I haven't had a flat tire in almost 2 years.

The reason I know this is that I had a stretch in mid-2006 where I had 6 in a 2 month period. What kind of car did I drive that needs six tires? None of your goddamn business, that's what. Actually, that was spread across two cars, so..you know...THAT'S reasonable. The reason I mention this is that today, upon leaving the house  I found that my streak was broken. Passenger side front.  Muth-a-fucka!! So much for getting to nap work on time.

Seeing the tire took me back to a particularly bad place, which is why I mention it.I know how you love hearing tales beset on all sides by misery and woe.

On June 26, 2006 my Ex- told me that she didn't...nay...she NEVER loved me, and that we were done. I started blogging 3 weeks later. For almost 2 months, I howled out into the empty ether to no one in particular.(lucky thing,that...as no one was reading). The guy I was then doesn't resemble me at all. I was miserable. I never laughed. My online life was completely disconnected from my reality. The stuff I wrote was  downright depressing. I was broken.

And then I got the third flat in 3 weeks and wrote a blog about it called 'The Rubberized Madonna/Whore". It got some attention. Specifically...it got pimped by one of my newest readers...some chick who called herself "Buddha Mama Sans Drama". All her friends came in to check it out.She had a lot of friends. (as opposed to the 6 or so that I had) They befriended me and all the sudden I wasn't alone anymore. (I mean... other than (*airquote*)in reality(*airquote*).) It was a great and silly time for me, and it really helped carry me through a period that otherwise would have been punctuated by crying fits and dramatic double-fist pumps at God whilst screaming "Why!?!" as lightning flashed through the angry sky and I'm standing on a mountain-top and there is a hot,half-naked, slave girl in a torn up toga slithering around my feet...wait, what?....where was I?

That was almost 500 blogs ago.

I guess the point is, (heh. Like I have one.) flat tires suck but not as much as being alone does. Thanks to everyone who reads this. I do appreciate you all. Well...everyone except you. You stole my prescription anti-psychotics and left an axe in my trunk. You should have known what would come of THAT. Stupid DNA evidence.


So... without further ado, I present: "The Rubberized Madonna/Whore":

I'm
in a relationship right now. 8 tires, each one special in its own way.
I love them, I nurture them. I give them the very air that they breathe.
I got out of the house this morning and found ANOTHER flat.

That
fucking ingrate!

I told her I loved her. I told her if she would hold
her air I would keep an eye on her pressure. I bought her when no one
else would.

Slut.

She got screwed by some fancy
galvanized fuck from uptown. Put it in her deep, the bastard. When I
pulled the two apart, all she could do was sigh. Now I'm left with a
limp vestige of the tire she once was.

We could've been great baby! But you blew it!

This is my third flat in as many weeks. Please pray for my sanity.

Our Tire, who art inflated
hollow on your frame.
Thy punctured skin, Thy bent-up rim
Flat on earth as it is on pavement
Give me this day a bloody knuckle,
and forgive me my swearing,
as I have sworn so many times against you.
And lead me not into insanity,
by keeping your fucking ass inflated,
for thine is the means, and the neccessity
and the only way I'm getting to work on time.

Amen.

22 comments

Mandy said...

Trolling the blogs is much like waving a metal detector over thousands of miles of wasteland. You were the "holy fuck!" find, the diamond ring after so many pop can tops.

Now shut up and go write a book.

:-)

Anonymous said...

Haaaaaaaaahaha! The tire prayer is fucking brilliant!

How could we not read? ~Infinity Cocks:p

Kurt said...

@Mandy: How can I be funny when you're all nice and shit? :)

Kurt said...

@InfinityCocks: I love that you've taken this as your "handle". I feel more honored than when I won the Nobel Prize for Sexy.

Kij0 said...

I'm so stuck in that depressive blog state... I'm sure there is a sense of humor in here somewhere.

The tire prayer rules!

Kurt said...

@Kij0: Depression: Makes for bad feelings and great blogs.

Anonymous said...

I have been lurking for a while...love rss feed! Glad you posted this one...Love it!

Mary

Mandy said...

Ah, but I get to laugh at your discomfort!

Kurt said...

@Mary: Glad you've been lurking! Thank you! RSS feeds are from heaven.

Kurt said...

@Mandy: Why is this a common theme with the women in my life?

Richard said...

That's a great prayer. Except that it's heretical.

Beware of false prophets!

Char said...

god, have we known each other that long now....that you've gone from shite to good? :) I'm glad you're good....
now...if I can quit attracting freaks with commitment issues maybe I can get to good too.

now go take some damn pictures

Kurt said...

@Richard: God told me I'm funny. Who's the heretic now?!

Kurt said...

@Char: I know. Two years have flown right by (sorta). I am sure the good stuff will come to you. :)

I DO need to take some pictures. Definitely this weekend.

Anonymous said...

I can't stop reading either. How cool that I don't have to pay to read your shit???

Thank you for writing. :D

...CajunSoleil

foxxx said...

As I read the third paragraph (or so), I turned blue and passed out.

When I came round I read to the end. It was good ;)

Kurt said...

@CajunSoleil: We're codependent! Yipee!

Kurt said...

@foxx: Sorry about the passing out bit. I guess my writing is the literary equivalent of roofies.

(ps: SCORE!)

Jaimi said...

That's funny. The first thing of yours I read was the SBT entry where you talk about slapping someone with a trout.

Pure poetry.

;-)

Kurt said...

I am quite the poet when in comes to vulgar innuendo about bestiality.

Cynthia said...

That was pre-me so I'm very glad I got to read it. I agree that the prayer is great. I can see why God thinks you're so funny.

floyd said...

Son, if that prayer doesn't get you through the shop doors and onto roads paved with gold then its bound to get you a spot top-o-the-heap at the burning tire yard.