The Stink Conspiracy

We're standing in the aisle under the harsh yellow florescent lamps and pondering which air sanitizer to buy. The whole spectrum of pastel, flower petal-covered boxes is laid out before me, and I succumb to brief episode of vertigo whilst trying to take in all the estrogen-targeted marketing. The Girl has been recruited to help me untangle the Gordian Knot that is modern scented candle / oil purchase.

"Here smell this one."
"Yuck. Smells like feet."
"It doesn't smell like feet. No one would sell a scented oil that smells like feet."
"Try this one."
"Nope. It's all flowery."
"So?"
"So I don't want my apartment to smell gay*."
"What does that even mean?"
"I don't know. I want it to smell... woodsy, maybe."
"Woodsy? Like covered in animal crap?"
"Heh. No. Not like a litter box...woodsy."

And so it goes.

The reason I am looking for a scent is because of the media. At least that's who I blame. I wish I could figure out a way to blame Sarah Palin, but she's too new to be behind the Stink Conspiracy. See, the media has been telling me for years that as a man,I a) stink and b) am too heterosexual to know it**.

I don't understand why all the men in the Glade commercials are always like "Wow, Honey! It suddenly smells great in here!" The subtext being...if you are a straight, married, white man you are only aware of how things smell when they are suddenly better.

We're always smoking cigars, with a dog on our lap, as our sweaty, beer-drinking buddies watch the big game. We can't even see the wavy lines of green that are coming off the dog for fuck's sake! If I was holding an animal and all the sudden these highly questionable squiggly lines came unfurling out of its back, you can bet your sweet ass that I would be getting that fucker away from my balls as quickly as possible. Jesus, the dentist won't even give me an x-ray without covering my junk. You think I want my boys zapped by some freakish dog radiation? Hell no!

Just once I'd like to see a commercial where the guy in the sweater vest walks in with his golf clubs and says "Holy fuck! It smells like you're growing a bumper crop of ass in here!" Then HE cracks out the Febreeze and starts wandering around squirting everything. Even though he doesn't have a vagina...he can tell that it smells bad. I wonder if that means that, medically speaking ,the vajayjay and the nose are somehow connected. Must be true...I saw it on a commercial.

I will make a great doctor one day.

"How about this, it kinda smells woodsy."
"Hmm...not bad. It's a little too vanilla though."
"Yeah. It makes me hungry for french toast."
"That's not a bad thing though. It's like breakfast in a cabin."
"Only in oil form."
"Exactly."

The other thing that bothers me, is the fear that I have somehow adapted to a horrific odor in my apartment, and am now scent-blind. I routinely ask the kids, when they come in from their mom's house if they smell anything. They say "No.", but then I discredit them as quickly as I sought their opinion. "Pssh. They live here. What do they know? It probably reeks of cat urine." Nevermind the fact that I don't own a cat anymore. Nevermind that I have become a bit OCD about vacuuming and mopping. I am a man after all. I don't have the necessary birth canal that is required to detect foulness. So that's why I find myself out shopping for anti-stink measures.

"Here. Smell this."
"Nice. It smells like wood and cheese. But not the bad foot cheese ...Asiago...more like the good cheese smell...like warm fondue."
"I don't want to live in warm fondue."
"And sawdust."
"Who the heck decides on these scents? Hobos?"
"Heh. I think the "Hobo" scent should be marketed along with "Feet".
"I'm going to go with the woodsy, syrupy one. It has scratch-and-sniffs."
"What is it called?"
"Autumn Spice/Harvest."

I think the "Harvest" part is what sold me. "Harvest" is pretty butch.



* Not that there's anything wrong with that.
**Gay people always smell good. Look it up.

10 comments

Anonymous said...

Bwahahahaha! You're too hetero to know you stink!

I think Sandalwood is a good one for a man space. It doesn't smell feminine, but it smells GREAT! That or something lemony, that way it just always smells really clean. Unless you hate citrus, then it'll give you a migrane.

H goes off at least once a month (his special time) about how men are portrayed in commercials. GOOD TIMES!!!! ~OM

Sungodly said...

See, here's where the women advertisers get it wrong: it's not that we men can't smell foul odors, it's just that we a have a higher capacity for ignoring them.

Gotta side with you, though, 'cause I don't want to have the stinky house either. I don't care if it doesn't smell like fresh rain in a flower garden, but I remember some kids I grew up with and I never went in their house because it ALWAYS smelled like cabbage. I don't want that to be my house.... "What smell...?"

Fucking hilarious, man. "Bumper crop of ass..."

Kurt said...

@OM: Sandalwood does smell manish. Thanks for the suggestion. Maybe I'll just start a campfire in the bathroom instead. That would smell awesome.

Kurt said...

@Sungodly: You're right about ignoring them...I can never smell the bodies decomposing in the basement until the neighborhood dogs are scratching at the windows, trying to get down there to roll around.

Char said...

I guess fruity smells are out too then since you're anti-gay smelling.

but I happen to like raspberries

Mandy said...

Lavender. It's supposed to give you a boner.

Or something like that. I'm always sending the boyfriend lavender candles.

Anonymous said...

My favorite ex-boyfriend always lit candles before I came over so that his place would not smell "like a guy." That simple act was so endearing, not gay, to me.

Maybe the companies that make cologne for men should also sell candles to make it easier for guys to buy them without worrying so much about their manhood.

...CajunSoleil

Anonymous said...

I don't know how men can smell anything after they put on their Old Spice jana

Grey Street Girl said...

Cappuccino candles smell good and are somewhat manly. I once bought a wood scented candle once. It smelled like a camp fire. Maybe I'll bring you some manly candles. Why does that sound naught?

xo12 said...

You're right to worry about your apartment smell. I've dumped hunky male model types for stinky abodes.

And I shouldn't be telling you this, but scent does unlock something in the vajayjay. I think every girl has her own - I like Acqua di Gio. It's like scent ruffies.