Ninjas in NJ

Two days ago there was an article in the Associated Press about ninjas. It wasn't a cool, awesome thought-piece about how these masters of the arcane bring swift death to their enemies. Which is what any article involving ninjas SHOULD be about. It was about two douchebags from NJ who were arrested on weapons charges when they were pulled over (in full ninja costume!) and it was discovered they were carrying an assortment of nunchucks, throwing stars, katanas, and various throwing knives.

With all that weaponry what were they doing? Storming a fortified compound? Assassinating a rival warlord? Kidnapping a foreign princess?

No. They were sending nasty letters to drug dealers.

When asked about their methodology:

"First we tried sneaking around the bushes, but we couldn't because the bushes were too thick. So we went for the more subtle, just, um, like hit and run approach, where we'd just run in there, slap the letter, and just run out of there as quickly as possible."

I feel the need to point out that no ninja EVER was stopped from completely his mission with extreme prejudice because "the bushes were too thick". Also...ninjas do NOT get pulled over for speeding.

In an effort to help, I have compiled a short list of other things Ninjas do and do not do. Feel free to print it out and distribute it as necessary.

Ninjas DO NOT:

1) have tickle fights.
2) play World of Warcraft.
3) sleep in footie-jammies.
4) gossip.
5) make obscene phone calls.
6) ask if they can post-date a check.
7) wear loafers...ever.
8) argue about who's turn it is to pick a TV show.
9) text message.
10) make "your mom" jokes whilst on a mission.

Ninjas DO:

1) kill ruthlessly.
2) move silently.
3) eat all their dinner.
4) expect their pizza in 30 minutes or less.
5) go to the zoo to wrestle the bears.
6) show up on time for dates (except for dates with death!)
7) finish "hard" suduko boards without looking in the back or writing little numbers in the corners.
8) wear condoms.
9) know how to play "Eruption" on the guitar.
10) Read The Real Ultimate Power, to make sure they are getting it right.*

Video of NJ ninjas: here!

*The greatest book on ninjas ever written!


Anonymous said...

Are you SURE Ninjas don't have tickle fights? I mean... Under ANY circumstance? ~OM

Grey Street Girl said...

Where does one get a full ninja costume these days anyway? Wal-Mart? Or in the secret back room of Men's Warehouse?

Kurt said...

@OM: Under ANY circumstances. You wouldn't want it to get out of hand and have them accidentally "unleash the fury".

Kurt said...

@GSG: Not sure. Although I did find this for you. You know...for later (*wink wink nudge nudge*)

xo12 said...

Your mom's a ninja.

Kurt said...

She totally is.

Anonymous said...

Are there girl ninjas, too? I'm thinking about going bad ass.


Kurt said...

There are totally girl ninjas. At least that's what all my dreams tell me when they come true.

amy said...

I AM A NINJA, with the reflexes of a mongoose.

With that said:

I do make your mom jokes.

Your momma's like a squirrel , she can't keep nuts out of her mouth.

Kurt said...

Well I SAID they don't make them "during a mission". I never said they didn't make them at all. Sheesh! What kind of ninja...nay...what kind of person doesn't make a good mom joke from time to time?

That one was funny, by the way. Because you called my mom a whore!

amy said...

See, I make them on a mission.

Super secret stealthy missions.

Your momma's pussy is so hairy, when your brother was born he died of rugburn.

Was that a bit much?
Yeah, I take that one back.

Anonymous said...

Can I be a girl ninja, but just in the bedroom?

Cynthia said...

They just text so fast you never even see them do it. Their thumbs move so close to the speed of sound that is an occasional boom. When you hear that, it's a ninja texting.

Anonymous said...

Some might say that "douchebags from New Jersey" is redundant. But did you know that NJ was recently selected as one of the top five states to live? And that NJ was in fact the editors' Top Choice? Sure, the magazine was Douchebag Monthly. But still.

Ninjas are hawt. I'm wearing my ninja outfit right now. So is Tickle Me Elmo. All we need now is -- hang on, there's the doorbell. Brb.

Yesss! The keg of lube I ordered! And it took them 35 minutes to get here so it's half off. Sweet.

Kevin McSentinel