We join our hero in the middle of an important lesson on sexual relationships at the tender age of nine. Imagine if you will the endless rows of cub scout tents stretched across the horse field. Thousands of pre-pubescent boys with no one to make them stay hygienic. I bet the smell was dazzling. The full moon rises as we all head off to bed. Outside the scout masters talk to one another quietly, before crackling flames that twinkle across the field like an ancient and mysterious archipelago of light. They probably are not discussing molestation convictions for the sake of this story.  Let's see what's going on in MY tent...

Me: It's cold.
Rob (my cousin): Zip up your sleeping bag.
Me: I did. I'm still cold.
Rob: Too bad there's not a girl in there with you.
Me: Heh. Yeah. That would be awesome.
Rob: You wouldn't even know what to do.
Me: Yes, I do. I would totally make fuck* with her.
Rob: "Make fuck?" HAhahahaha! You just say "fuck".
Me. Oh. Well...then I would totally fuck her.
Rob: You would?
Me: Totally.
Rob: She would have a baby.
Me: No way! I'd put it in her butt.**
Rob: THAT'S how they get pregnant, dummy!
Me: No it's not! You have to have pussysex*** to get a girl pregnant.
Rob: Go ahead. Put it in her butt. You'll be a proud papa at 10.
Me: Really?
Rob: Yep.
Me: So...all girls are like that?
Rob: Yep.
Me: And they like it like that?
Rob: No. They like it in their pussies better. But that's the only way to make a baby.
Me: Oh.
Rob: Why? You haven't had sex before?
Me: Well... just once before. I guess I'm lucky she didn't get pregnant since I put it in her butt****
Rob: You're such a liar.
Me: Oh. Right. And you've had sex with a girl before?!
Rob: Yep.
Me: No way.
Rob: Yep. Only I didn't put it in her butt because I don't want a baby! You're so stupid.

I spent the rest of the night imagining my 3rd grade teacher, who was pregnant, being fucked in the ass by her husband, my soccer coach. I barely slept.

I spent the next 2 to 4 years terrified of women and their ceaseless cravings of baby-making anal sex.

To be fair, Rob was a credible expert... Uncle Chuck had TONS of Playboys that Rob stole and snuck up into the barn. It was like having access to all the secrets of women, all the time, when he was around.I felt lucky that he was willing to impart his wisdom on me so openly. Until the next morning, when he told the rest of the scouts about my anal sexcapades. Then he was just a big jerk.

* I specifically remember making this mistake in my verbage because of how hard he laughed at me. I'm not being cute here.

** It's amazing how quickly this solution came to me. I need to discuss this event with my therapist, maybe.

*** This might be creative license. But "pussysex" should definitely be a word in the middle school vernacular if it isn't already, I think. I stand by my re-enactment.

**** I like how this lie perpetuated my ignorance while validating my theoretical 9 year old sexual goddliness.


Char said...

and he's back....stellar

Char said...

FIRST! *war whoop*

Kurt said...

You totally deserved that whoop.

Anonymous said...

"Make fuck"... Hahahaha! Your subconscious knew you would need the writing material later in life. ;-)


Anonymous said...

I really can't put together a combination of vowels and consonents in a way that would adequately express the laughter today.... I think the boyhood stories are my favorite:)

How much older was Rob? ~IC

Kurt said...

@ CajunSoleil: No. I think its just being able to be consistently goofy for a prolonged number of years that helps with the writing.

Kurt said...

@IC: He was 1 year older, but we were in the same grade. I think it was because his level of sexual maturity was so high.

They had to hold him back or else the entire 5th grade female population of Gorham,NY would be subjected to some backdoor action.

Anonymous said...

You need to take more breaks. I mean we missed you and all, but this is just amazing. Awesome stuff right here. I'm just sayin'...

foxxx said...

*thinks back to the last camp where I was a Cub leader*

Nope, definitely no talk about sex, babies or butts from any tents containing 8, 9 or 10 year old boys.

There was lots of low voices around the embers of the fire, and giggles, noise and laughter from the smelly creatures as they farted too loudly. Perhaps boys were different in your time... .

Kurt said...

@foxxx: What can I say?...it was the end of the 70s.

Kurt said...

@just LD: I think I definitely need to take more breaks.

Anonymous said...

You are scaring me...I have a 9 yr old son. He thinks that farting is how to impress a girl. Mind you, his control group consists of his mother.

"Make fuck"...I'm rolling!

Great blog.