Getting Huffy

That tears it. I've decided. From now on when the supermarket clerk or the checkout person at the Quik-E Mart says "Thank You." in that unmistakably dismissive "I don't really mean it." way that signals the end of their time tolerating me, I will NOT say "You're welcome."

I know. I know. It's dickish and probably signals the end of the human race as civilities continue their inevitable slump back to the Cro-Mag days. But Kip-damnit! They don't even mean it! Here...lemme 'splain.

I'm in the Quik-E Mart this morning making my usual purchases of a porno mag and a spray paint can for huffing milk and cookies. The line is long. Like...ass-long. Like...I considered stealing my $1.25 worth of stuff because my time is WAY more valuable than the price of any commodity long. (Except for diamonds. I would wait in line if I was buying diamonds.) So I  make some general grumpy noises and take my place at the end of the line, all the while looking to make eye contact with one of the other patrons so that I can do the "Dissatisfied Customer Head-Shake (DiCHS)". I found no takers because it was early and everyone was buying coffee and still looking at their shoes. (I still shook my head, but it was for my own benefit.) When my turn finally came I dumped my diamonds on the counter and she rang me up. She didn't even ask if I wanted a bag! She handed me back my change without looking at me (and thereby totally managing to not notice how handsome I looked.) and said "Thank You."

And that's when I pulled my coup. I said "Mmmm." and walked out the door.

In my mind, she totally stopped what she was doing. She looked up expectantly as I walked defiantly away. She realized she had just objectified me and minimized my importance as her customer. She also super-regretted not giving me a bag and she spent the rest of the day wondering what a man with such an attractive back-of-the-head might look like.

What really happened is the guy behind me asked for some "American Spirits" and she asked to see his ID.

I recognize in these trying times as Wall Street burns, and Sara Palin rides around on her dinosaur trying to out-cute Tina Fey, and people look at their retirement accounts with the exact same anticipation as one looks at the closed door in the Dentist's office behind which an alarming number of drilling sounds can be heard, that the necessity for civility only increases. I also recognize that I am sitting here fretting about not saying "Thank You" three hours after the run-in, so really instead of being all anarchy and piss, I just feel guilty. But still, we have to draw the line somewhere, don't we?

Now can I get a plastic bag from someone...this paint isn't going to huff itself.*




* Thanks to the Grey Street Girl for teaching me the ins and outs of huffing paint. It is a rare woman who goes to such lengths for her man.

12 comments

Anonymous said...

I hate it!!!!!!! H makes fun of me for my general grocery store expectations, so I have taken to being "Agressively Nice" in these situations. It's a hoot:) ~IC

Char said...

hmmmm, I usually get tired of the clerks trying to be all friendly instead just letting me get out of their den of starchyness.

Kij0 said...

As comely as I'm sure your back-of-head is, keep in mind it is never ever good to be recognized by it :D

Kurt said...

@IC: I am normally the bastion of good manners. That's why I feel bad about this flub. Last week I apologized to a book store clerk for putting my money down too emphatically.

Kurt said...

@Char: Heh. That makes sense. :)

Kurt said...

@kij0: An excellent point. (not on the back of my head...just in general)

Grey Street Girl said...

I picture that "Mmmmm..." being particularly maniacal. Good for you.

Remember, it's gold paint - only gold for huffing.

Kurt said...

@GSG: It actually came out more like Slingblade than maniacal. Equally disturbing though!

Jaimi said...

Please read Knockemstiff. It teachs you all about abusing prescription drugs, huffing, etc.

Also, no book has ever made me so happy about my own life, even with as crappy as I thought it was.

Cynthia said...

The old slingblade "Mmmmm". Makes me laugh. I like it. Keep on I say. The good thing about "Mmmm" is that it can be interpreted any number of ways by the reciever. So you feel guilty, but that clerk spent the rest of the day thinking about your sexual overture to her at the counter. At first she was really offended, but had to admit it was a little flattering. Tomorrow she'll wear lipstick to work and keep a casual eye out for the back of your head.

Hey next time you could pull a Ned Ryerson and really shake things up.

Sungodly said...

My personal peeve is when I hold the door for someone and they neglect to thank me. I want to scream, "Hey, I did you a kindness, fucker!" Damn, I think I need to take that judge's advice and check into some anger management classes or something...

foxxx said...

I was in Asda recently (like Wal-Mart but less) and stood at the customer service desk to return something.

On the counter was a sticker that said, 'Smile, the next person could be the mystery shopper'.

The guy grunted at me, asked what I wanted, refunded the items and never once looked me in the eye!

Have a nice day :)