Vox Nihilim

I'm home. In that weird holding pattern that happens as I wait to be dispatched to AWAY. AWAY is that fabled land of silence and work and sleep. HOME is where the noise is. The adult children clambering around the house at all hours, the dog ticking her long-clawed sandshoe across the hardwood. The rolling of Mom's knee-scooter as she chonks about the house trying to stay busy. Home is chaos and cats and carefully measured words and happiness by way of maelstrom. I love HOME. I love AWAY too though.

Mom ate a stinkbug. She had just finished her spaghetti dinner as she watched tv, and thought there was still an ample-sized globule of meat on her plate. Without really looking, she reached down with her fingers and grabbed it, popping into her mouth with relish as Vanna White uncovered an "A" and everyone in the living room freaked out simultaneously as the puzzle became obvious. Then she bit down. The first sign that something was wrong was that the "meat" crunched when she bit it. Then came the horrible bitter flavor of bug. I'm told it's bitter by the knowledgeable source anyways. She shouted as she spitted it out. By the time she was done explaining, I was in tears. She sat there looking dolefully at the crunched carcass of the bug with her tongue hanging out.

That is the essence of HOME.

AWAY is different. AWAY is memories. AWAY is space. AWAY is thoughtful reflection. AWAY is connected to so many vivid vistas of "before". AWAY is where you go to feel different things than HOME. I think that is so deeply ingrained in me that the longing to be AWAY is impossible to avoid. I struggle with it.

I'm sitting at my desk at the office. There's nothing on it but the laptop. The fish tank is burbling quietly, and on the other side of the room people are having conversations I can't make out. I should head to the back soon and build something. Turn on some Superorganism and work with my hands. That'll keep me busy. That's another thing I am at HOME that I'm not when I'm AWAY. When I'm here I'm always looking for something to do...when I'm AWAY I'm content doing nothing.