Trying to Avoid a "Warrant" Reference

Like all good stories, this one ends with a cherry pie. I'm just getting it out front... that there'll be a pie at the end, so that during the scarier bits, when maybe you think someone will be poisoned, you can feel reassured because you know what's coming.

I had to buy a pie dish for starters. One of the unfortunate consequences to having given away most of your possessions is that in a pinch you don't just "have" a fucking pie dish lying around. It's a weird part of the divorce process that no one tells you about. Oh sure, you'll hear epic poems about how she's going to take all your money and infinitely long diatribes of bitter, anger-fueled pschobabble about how he took a mistress because of his inner chi being gray (or whatever it is that non-psychologist friends who secretly wish they were actual psychologists tend to say in such situations), but no one thinks to tell you "You're gonna need a mop."
This is now the FIRST thing I say when I hear someone is getting a divorce.
They always think I'm talking in code though. Like their broken heart will need to be cleaned up or something. And then I have to add "No no...I mean an actual mop." Then they start crying but at least they get an idea of what they're in for.
So I buy the pie dish and it's exactly what I expect it to be. It's red and it's ceramic and it has a little cardboard insert glued to the bottom that tells the consumer what company manufactured the crockery and that it is, in fact, a pie dish and not a helium tank or a garden hose or whatever the hell else a really stupid person might mistake a pie-shaped piece of crockery with scalloped edges for. I buy it and take it home. The checkout girl gives me a funny look which I instantly assume is because I'm so handsome but upon reflection realize it's because I'm buying a pie dish and some heavy-duty cleaners and it looks like I might be planning a long afternoon of poisoning.
I'm eager to get on with it, so as soon as I get home, I start to peel off the cardboard insert. I don't know who's making the purchasing decisions at the ceramic factory but whoever they are, they decided to use industrial strength bonding adhesive to hold the inserts in, and therefore deserve a swift kick in the ass. Is it really necessary to put the same effort into holding a piece of cardboard to the bottom of a pie plate as you might put into holding a wing onto the space shuttle? I know it's supposed to come up all cool and rubber-cementy, but the stuff is bound and determined to leave a residue that will eventually poison my entire family over the years of use and then they'll get crazy diseases like livers that leap to the left unexpectedly and then they'll have to put Dr. House on the case and Foreman will break into my apartment and he'll find the pie plate and be all "Damn! He was poisoning them for years." and they'll revoke my Father-of-the-Year award and I will be sad between the painful jabs as my liver continues to flounce about inside my body like a horny salmon.

And then I washed it and it came off. Here's my pie...it full of The Star Wars:

8 comments

Char said...

eh...yeah, my first present for any woman getting divorced is a small tool kit with a hammer, screwdriver, etc.

for a guy? laundry detergent and fabric softener.

I like the sound effects on the pie

Grey Street Girl said...

That's a fucking hilarious pie.

And, you just failed your Headbanging 80s Master Certification Test - it's WARRANT, not Warrent.

Janie Lane was soooo cool back then. I think he's cleaning pools now.

Kurt said...

@ Char: The "Pew! Pew!" is what makes it tasty!

Kurt said...

@ GSG: Gah! Spelling is hard. Thanks for the heads up.

Just_LD said...

When you don't blog, I miss you. Or maybe you just haven't been posting links on MS...I am too lazy to just come over here every day, ya know.

You are fucking hilarious. I love how you think. When I'm ready to take the divorce plunge, I'm coming to you for advice. Maybe you'll write me an entire blog. Sounds like you have some excellent experience. Whitesnake was better than Warrant. Whitesnake had Tawny Kitean on the hood of the car in their video.

Anonymous said...

You at the grocery store is damned near the funniest thing ever!

"Pew Pew" BWAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA! ~IC

Richard said...

I love your Star Wars references and think all your blogs should include them.

At least once a day I hear in my head a line from the original trilogy. I'm not kidding.

Today it was "Your powers are weak, old man."

I also spent at least five minutes thinking about Luke's tragic decision to commit suicide when he learns Vader is is father and cries, "I'll NEVER join you!"

And then I thought, how strong was that suction to pull him into the tube when he should have fallen to his death, and further I wondered what sort of burns would he have suffered sliding along that aluminum-looking tube before he finally, gently, came to rest?

And that was just today.

Jaimi said...

Been reading Douglas Adams lately?