Vox Nihilim

This old-as-fuck repost is brought to you by request of the fantastic Mr. Richard Cox, a brilliant writer and irrepressible Photoshop deviant. It comes from a place long ago (2006) when I still lived with the dog in question and he refused to stop fucking my cat. I love him deeply and miss him greatly now that we live apart. It IS what we professionals call "a joke".

That being said... Enjoy.

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Dear Dog,

Look. I know our relationship is strained at best. My hostility with you, though often unfounded, is well-documented.Were it not for the kids, who inexplicably find you charming, you would have found a new home long ago. Probably in a snow bank on the side of the interstate. But that is beside the point. It looks like despite my unwillingness to vaccinate you, you are intent on surviving ...out of spite,no doubt. So let's lay down some ground rules to insure that the kids never come home to find that you have "run away":

1) Stop barking. Really, enough already. You're as a tough as Paul Lynde playing hopscotch with Liberace. The only person who would be startled by that staccato yap of yours, is a chipmunk who just snorted a kilo of coke.It's fucking annoying. Quit it. The Mailman knows you're a pussy. Stop making him laugh. He might drop the porn in the snow.

2) Stop pissing on my boots. I know you're doing it on purpose. The fact that you have singled MY boots out for these clandestine urinary christenings, is proof further, that you have all the brain functions of a bag of Cheetos. I WILL step on you if you don't knock it off, you worthless bag of fuck.

3) Stop fucking my cats. You have no reason to do this other than to address your inferiority complex. I love the cats. I hate you. Start dealing with it. Putting your emasculated love gun inside the Lower GI tract of a cat that outweighs you by 5 or more pounds is the intellectual equivalent of checking the home of a rabid badger for occupancy by covering your hand in gravy and swirling it around inside the hole. They're going to scratch you dumbass. I'm trying to teach them to go for the eyes...just a fair warning.

4) Stop Begging for food.While the kids might find your explosive diarrhea funny, I do not. If you eat another chili pepper/mayonnaise/eggshell gumbo, I am going to hit you in the head with a shovel to see if I can get that elusive, cartoon "Wong!" sound I'm so desperate to hear.

If you follow these simple guidelines you will find that I can be a warm, compassionate, and kind pet owner. To the cats.

You can get fucked, you ass-raping shitbomb.

Love,
Kurt