An Open Letter to My Nemesis

This old-as-fuck repost is brought to you by request of the fantastic Mr. Richard Cox, a brilliant writer and irrepressible Photoshop deviant. It comes from a place long ago (2006) when I still lived with the dog in question and he refused to stop fucking my cat. I love him deeply and miss him greatly now that we live apart. It IS what we professionals call "a joke".

That being said... Enjoy.


***
Dear Dog,

Look. I know our relationship is strained at best. My hostility with you, though often unfounded, is well-documented.Were it not for the kids, who inexplicably find you charming, you would have found a new home long ago. Probably in a snow bank on the side of the interstate. But that is beside the point. It looks like despite my unwillingness to vaccinate you, you are intent on surviving ...out of spite,no doubt. So let's lay down some ground rules to insure that the kids never come home to find that you have "run away":

1) Stop barking. Really, enough already. You're as a tough as Paul Lynde playing hopscotch with Liberace. The only person who would be startled by that staccato yap of yours, is a chipmunk who just snorted a kilo of coke.It's fucking annoying. Quit it. The Mailman knows you're a pussy. Stop making him laugh. He might drop the porn in the snow.

2) Stop pissing on my boots. I know you're doing it on purpose. The fact that you have singled MY boots out for these clandestine urinary christenings, is proof further, that you have all the brain functions of a bag of Cheetos. I WILL step on you if you don't knock it off, you worthless bag of fuck.

3) Stop fucking my cats. You have no reason to do this other than to address your inferiority complex. I love the cats. I hate you. Start dealing with it. Putting your emasculated love gun inside the Lower GI tract of a cat that outweighs you by 5 or more pounds is the intellectual equivalent of checking the home of a rabid badger for occupancy by covering your hand in gravy and swirling it around inside the hole. They're going to scratch you dumbass. I'm trying to teach them to go for the eyes...just a fair warning.

4) Stop Begging for food.While the kids might find your explosive diarrhea funny, I do not. If you eat another chili pepper/mayonnaise/eggshell gumbo, I am going to hit you in the head with a shovel to see if I can get that elusive, cartoon "Wong!" sound I'm so desperate to hear.

If you follow these simple guidelines you will find that I can be a warm, compassionate, and kind pet owner. To the cats.

You can get fucked, you ass-raping shitbomb.

Love,
Kurt

17 comments

Char said...

truly one from the hall of fame

Grey Street Girl said...

I'm glad you don't sen me these kinds of love letters....

yet.

:)

Kij0 said...

"I love the cats. I hate you."

I sooo have said that to my dog.

Then we had to get rid of the cats *groan*

Kurt said...

@Char: Heh. I haven't read it in like a year...it actually made me laugh. Yay Short Term Memory Loss!

Kurt said...

@GSG: Your much cuter than he is. And I like when you pee on my boots. Whoops! Was that out loud? :)

Kurt said...

@kij0: NEVER get rid of the cats. They can sense zombies. That's like cat rules 101.

wolfshades said...

Wow. That was some irritating little dog.

Loved the Paul Lynde and Liberace visual. :)

Kurt said...

@wolfshades: He was / is super annoying. But now that I don't live with him anymore, I'm much fonder of him. Also, my boots don't smell like piss.

Mary said...

I see you found that dog I dumped in your neighborhood!

Richard said...

"...despite my unwillingness to vaccinate you, you are intent on surviving."

Ahhh, you just made my morning. And the "emasculated love gun inside the lower GI tract of a cat that outweighs you by five pounds" bit is another favorite.

YOU CANNOT BUY MY SILENCE WITH PICKLES!!!!111

Kurt said...

@Mary: Well, the paw sticking up out of the shallow grave was hard to miss, to be fair.

Kurt said...

@Richard: I most certainly cannot. If only...

Megan said...

I remember this one!! :D

I've been chuckling since the first line, again.

Kurt said...

HEY Megan!! Great to hear from you! Hope you are well.

6FM said...

Wow. This totally made staying home on a Saturday night worth it! Thanks...

Kurt said...

@6fm: I don't know about THAT...but it's nice of you to say.

that girl said...

http://heyyourememberme.blogspot.com/2008/07/shitzu.html