Vox Nihilim

Call it whimsy, but I was just reliving in my mind that most American of celebrations: My Last Trip to the Porn Store. Now, I haven't been to many of them, and generally I get off a lot more on how funny the experience is, than any gross anatomy lesson I might actually purchase there. But still...I'm in a store filled with pictures of Boobies. I really can't complain.

The tricky part is, I don't know what I'm after. Like I have a general idea. There should be the standard touch, touch, lick, lick, missionary, doggy-style, reverse cowgirl, kneel, and finish formula involved. Maybe throw in a weird acrobatic bit, or maybe some tasteful deep throat...just to keep things lively. But more important than what is involved, is what isn't.

No peeing.
No pooping.
No dogs.

I don't have a lot of rules...but there are a few.

So I head to the front counter to ask the shopkeep for some guidance. I'm not normally one to ask for help. In fact, in a grocery store? Forget it. I never ask where shit is. You could cut my leg off and I'd die of blood loss before I'd ask anyone in a smock where the fuck I might find a roll of gauze. But in a porn store? I'm Joe Fucking Inquisitive.

I wonder why this is? Maybe it's the idea that the person behind the counter is definitely a bigger perv than me...so it's okay to be less than knowledgeable. Or maybe it's because they look like they don't make a lot of eye contact in general and appear eager to talk. Either way...I ask the tattooed fellow behind the splintered stretch of plywood he's leaning on for some direction. Like Batman he pulls these two DVDs out of nowhere and starts selling them to me. I look them over...

No Pee.
No Poop.
No Dogs.
No Trannies. (Did I mention the "No Trannies" thing? Definitely No Trannies.)

So rather than choose, I buy both. Hell, it's a celebration you know...I don't make it to the porn store everyday after all. I get my brown bag, peruse the monolithic vibrators with a smirk, and then mosey my way out to the parking lot. ("Parking in Rear for your convenience!" = "Your spouse won't see your car from the road, you fucking pervert."...just for the record). I get home and throw one in.

As I watch, I realize there's something going on here that I can't put my finger on. It doesn't jump out at me right away but I'm sensing a pattern with the "actresses". They are all Asian. Speaking an Asian dialect...in a very Asian way. And they're all putting stuff in their ass. Huh.

Weird.

I think the guy behind the counter was trying to tell me something. Either that or he's laughing his ass off right now because he finally pawned off the "All Asian Ass Olympics Volumes I and II" on some stupid jackass who asked for help. Fuck.

I keep watching the things going up Asian asses for a little while, hoping for a break... but none comes.

I'm never asking for help in a porn store again.